Naturally healing through Crying

When our feelings are hurt, the natural way to heal ourselves is to cry.   As Children, if we are not allowed to cry when we feel hurt and do not have an empathic person to listen to our hurt feelings, we learn to repress them. Our conditioning has taught us that crying isn't okay and to stop it as soon as possible.  

Repressing our feelings doesn't mean they go away.   On the contrary, they are buried alive, deep within the cells of our body and unconsciously we act them out in a more indirect and unhealthy way.  

Sadly, it's unlikely we'll look at the root cause of hurt feelings that get held inside or experienced inappropriately.   Many adults feel depressed as a result of repressing feelings throughout childhood and do not consciously understand why they feel this way.

Crying is repressed in babies and children by a parent or caregiver telling them to stop crying, putting food or a pacifier in their mouth, denying or minimizing their pain, withdrawing love or attention, punishing or threatening, teasing or shaming, name calling, distracting them with other things, or by trying to get them to laugh or talk.

Many of us grow up hearing messages such as:

• Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about (threatening and denying)
• You're a sissy baby when you cry or don't be such a wimp (name calling and/or teasing)
• Big boys and girls don't cry or good girl or boy for not crying (judging, labelling and denying)
• You are too sensitive   (labelling and minimizing)
• Shame on you for crying (shaming)
• I can't stand seeing you cry, get out of my sight (withdrawing love, minimizing)

Understandably, children are traumatized by any of these messages.   Their hurt feelings are repressed and they learn not to listen to themselves.   They learn making their parent or caregiver happy is more important and as a result, operate more out of a false self instead of an authentic self.   Having to do this takes them away from what they instinctively know they innately need therefore diminishing their self worth and self esteem.

Crying is a way for babies and children to communicate to their parent or caregiver that they are experiencing a problem and need immediate help. They should never be left alone to cry because doing so leaves them feeling they are not worthy of attention.  

Babies and children need to cry in our loving arms.   They need to be in our loving arms whenever they need comfort and a connection with us.   They are dependent on us as their caregivers to help them meet their natural needs.  

Babies and children cry for a number of reasons.   The more obvious are hunger, tiredness, physical discomfort and illness.   They also cry when they experience emotional pain.   When they do not feel cared about, feelings of hurt, loneliness and rejection are experienced, leaving them to feel worthless.    

Feeling separation anxiety, over or under stimulation, and frustrations experienced while playing with others may also need to be discharged through crying.   Often children discharge their feelings through what we term 'tantrums.'   It is important to allow children to safely discharge their feelings so they don't repress them.  

When babies and children have episodes of non stop crying it is important parents or caregivers seek diagnosis from a health care professional. Once a health care professional assesses and gives a diagnosis of physical health, it is very important for the child's wellbeing that the parent or caregiver next look at the more complex reasons of emotional pain.

So, if crying is the natural way for us to heal pain then why do so many of us have such a difficult time when our infant, child, teenager, adult daughter or son cries?  

If our cries as an infant and child were attended to by our parent or caregiver, we would naturally feel empathy and compassion toward our baby or child's crying, or any other infant or child.   Thankfully, in around 1990, doctors and hospital officials began to room newborn babies in with their mothers.   As a result, babies could be in their mother's arms while crying instead of alone in the hospital nursery bassinette.

Do you allow yourself to cry when you need to? If you do, you are aware of the benefits it has on your emotional and physical well-being.   If you don't, you may not be in touch with your feelings and, in turn, may not allow your child to experience their feelings.

It is essential to our emotional well being to let ourselves cry while feeling current and past hurt and abuse. Studies show that the composition of tears being discharged, as a result of emotional and physical pain, is different than tears shed cutting an onion.  

If you have difficulty crying or hearing and/or letting your infant, child, teenager or adult child express their feelings through crying, you may want to consider investing in your 'self' and seek help to get in touch with your repressed feelings and natural instinct to cry.

Holly Kretschmer is a Parent Educator and has a private Psychotherapy practice with Janice Berger & Associates located at 179 Eagle Street in Newmarket, Ontario.   Holly supports clients to heal from past and present trauma through Deep Emotional Processing Therapy(TM).

Contact Holly by telephone at 905-836-4555, by email at holly@hollykretschmer.com or visit the following websites:   http://www.hollykretschmer.com or http://www.janiceberger.com

Additional resources on crying and feelings are:

•  "Emotional Fitness" by Janice Berger

•  "Tears and Tantrums", "The Aware Baby", "Helping Young Children Flourish" and "Raising Drug-Free kids" by Aletha J. Solter

•  "Parenting For A Peaceful World" by Robin Grille.